i start this story where life really got interesting for me... 2001..

i met ( and ended up marrying ) the wrong woman!  things were all good to start with... the problems didnt arise till we actually signed that piece of paper that gave us the same last name.

it started with  Me seeing once in a while her hitting one or the  other of her kids.... for some reason or another.. they were 7 8 and 13 at the time.... just kids... she would let her 13 y/o daughter go out till all  hours of the early morning in a town that was rampant with  drug use and rapists... dealers and gangs.. and when i approached her about it.. she only gave me this as a reply... " i trust my daughter because I raised her "... little comfort i found out later. adn she aslo would let the kids WALK all over her like a cheap rug till she couldnt handle it anymoe and she would then just start yelling and swinging.

well... after we started to have hard times where we lived in washington... she asked if i would look for work here in the eugene area so that she could live closer to her family... then our lives really went to hell...

i got work here in the moving industry.. but not before we ended up in a  homeless shelter ( her pregnant with my son at the time) . and i worked my ass off to get us a place... ( while still fighting with her all the time about her abuse of the kids and me... (  by this time she had put nine staples in my head from a beer glass and a couple stithes in  my foot from a glass baking dish she threw at me one time... not  to mention all the times she hit me  out of anger cause i told her i was not going to  stand by and let her just beat on her kids cause they are kids and test their limits like  kids do.)

well... once we got into a place here... things only got worse... we tried counseling but she wasnt into itand quit when i got a  job that  took me up and down the highway as a truck driver ( makin good money for us ).. and get us off housing and a few other state assistances because we didnt need them anymore...

now... in  all honesty i HAVE to say i AM NO ANGEL in this myself.. i never laid a hand on her in anger except to restrain her from  hitting me or the kids ..(  but in this state even THAT is considered domestic violence)... i DID have my own temper tantrums and threw things ( at the walls  not at people)... punched holes in doors and walls out of pure frustration with her and her behaviors.... i have NO excuse for doing these things other than i wasnt thinking clearly at the time.

life was BAD for us for a long time... but I thought that with time and patience she would do these things less and less if i only kept up on loving her as best i could and trying to make life easier on her by working as much as possible and getting the bills paid and keeping a good roof over our heads..  but as it turned out... she loved it that i was gone all the time  so she could continue her behaviors and find someone new to be with while i supported her and her lifestyle by being gone all the time....

after a while the older kids started in on the two babies... MY  kids... with the kind of abuse that their mom had been teaching them by example for years!....

i then had had enough.. and gave her an ultimatum... either stop now and get help and counseling... or I was going to to the best i could for MY two kids and get them and Me out of a bad bad situation... she only took this as threats to take her children if she didnt do what I TOLD her to do.... as her mind was so wrapped up in her abuse that she didnt even recognize that i ws really trying to protect her kids and mine from her in the first place... but being a woman and having all the  friends in our relationship... she made up all kinds of stories about how I was the one responsible for the abuse going on in our home..and got her friends to back up her lies.. ( even though i was GONE  six days out of the week by then working to support her and her new swinging lifestyle.

well... this is where it really goes wierd( meaning our system of dealing with domestic violence in this country and this state especially is broken and needs to be fixed NOW!)

i went to the case workers who were starting to get involved in out life after she was arrested for domestic violence on me and asked them for help.... counseling for the older kids.. and marriage counseling for us... ( man was i really blind)... but she had gotten to them first ( of course as I was gone all the time).... and told them i really needed help because this was really tearing my family apart...

well... in their infinate wisdom.. they chose to believe her.. ( well she IS a woman and ALL men are abusers right? ) and they decided to take our kids and split us up in the process ( which i applaud them for now even though they had the story wrong and were really feeding into her sickness)...

well.... over the last 2 1/2 years... she kept them snowed ( and me as well).... and did what she had to do to get the kids back... ( being very dual in her personality she was able to continue her lifestle of abuse ( and drugs too i think) with her new boyfriend ( while telling the case workers and me that she wanted to work it out in counseling and try to get our family back together in the end)...

well... when i found out that she was playing me for a fool.... and the case workers too... i told them that we had been breaking the no contact order almost daily cause she had been telling me that she wanted to get back together in the end...

well... THAT was a mistake cause they only believed HER that I had been the one pulling the strings and making HER break the order threatening to make up stories of abuse that she ahd not really done and make life hell on her... and then wait for them to give the kids back to her and then ( she told them) i told her that i was going to take the kids from a visit and disappear with them... which was NOT true,.... but hey IM A MAN SO IT MUST BE TRUE.... and they believed her....

well... as i saw my life going to hell.. and my kids along with it... i got a job which kept me at home so i could be here for visits and such with my kids... got a counselor to be able to deal with all the crap that was going on in my life and my kids lives ( and the twisted reality she was protraying to the case workers.) volunteered for parenting classes so that IF i could get time with my kids i would be prepared for the kind of problems they would have from  having to deal with living in an abusive home once they WERE given back to her...

i tried and tried to get the case workers to understand that she had been lying to them and that it was really the other way around... but i was told i was only in denial of my own abusive ways and that they were thinking that adoption was the best course for my kids..... stating reaons ( on MY end ) that i was not able to care for them properly as i couldnt even maintian my own place to live and how was i going to support two little kids when i couldnt even support myself...

well they forgot to take into account .. or didnt care to think... that they had started a child support case against me a YEAR after all this had started to occur in the first place.... and in this state child  support is up to and not to exceed 50 % of my pay... so thats what they started to take... ( after i had taken a job already making only half what i was making as a driver).. and that  brought my income down to  5 dollars an  hour... ( i dont know anyone who can survive on 5 dollars an hour alone AND support two kids...

so i was then told that i was not doing good enough for them and i was not going to be even considered for placement for my kids because i was now homeless ( after being evicted from my apartment i had gotten for my kids and I should they finally see the truth and perhaps consider me for place ment for my kids)

well...then she died.... the stress of this all and her heart and body couldnt handle it... and yes i believe drugs were involved as well there  but i  dont KNOW and cant prove it.... so now the state says that they are going to work with me to get my kids back to me...but they still dont believe that she was responsible for the abuse in our home to begin with and so they are making it hell to even try to get them back because they THINK that i was abusive to start with.. and that i will only continue to be in the future...  they really have no reason to believe this as Im not in any relationship at this time ( they quote domestic violence as a reason to be wary of placing my kids with me)... and parenting concerns as well( when they have NO REASON to think im not a good dad as EVERY visit report they have on me is positive and i have NEVER had a problem with dealing with my kids... but they still believe the word of a  now dead woman over Me and all the PROOF they have otherwise now....

not to MENTION my psychologist ( who has been seeing me pro bono because she KNOWS im not abusive and will be a great dad!) she tells them that  I am not abusive... but thats not good enough for them either as she is not on their :"approved provider list"...

(still with me here?). ( see whats going on?)

so they sent me to another one... a conselor who specializes in  cases with domestic violence and even HE is telling them that IM NOT A THREAT!!...

so now they are quoting my housing situation as a reason to be concerned about me having my kids... ( now wait a minute) if i didnt LOSE my apartment due to CHILD SUPPORT.. they wouldnt HAVE that to be concerned with.... plus they  keep bringing up things from the past as reasons as well... and when i tell them what really happened they tell me i need to get over the past and just admit i was abusive and get help...

NOW  WAIT A MINUTE...!!! they are the ones who keep bringing it up and then telling ME to get over it!! how is THAT helpful?

when i tell them it was NOT what they thought it was in the beginning and that it never was...and never will be... they say that i am only still in denial and that  concerns them that i will be abusive to my kids because of it!!

how am I supposed to get the truth  through to them when they think inside this tiny little box that the MAN is always the abusive one and that women can do nothing but be victims of abuse!!

well... now i am trying to only deal with my kids... my behavior will show itself in time... and they will either see it ( the case workers) or they wont.... but i KNOW  how i am and will be with my kids and if the case workers dont believe it thats really THEIR problem!!...

my psychologist is going to stand in court for me and tell the judge that there really IS no reason to keep my kids from me other than the housing problem that THEY helped create in the first place... and that they should help me put back together our life since they are the ones who really ripped it apart in the first place.... and that ITS NOT always the MAN who is responsible for the abuse in the home... especially IF HE WASNT EVEN THERE !!

so.. now its all on the judge... and we'll see just how wise he is when we present this in court and plead for my kids to return home as soon as possible.. and for the court to ORDER the case workers to HELP me instead of FIGHT me at every turn JUST because IM A MAN!

so we'll see....

I'm sorry, Don. What a terrible, frustrating story.

It's true that the CSD/DHS/SOSCF system is biased against men. That's probably because men commit about 95% of the abuse. Many of the people who gravitate to social work want to fix others because they were raised in dysfunctional homes themselves. That can't help but flavor their perceptions.

I have one thought for you. Unlike many other states, Oregon is a single party consent state for the purposes of recording phone calls. Therefore, if the pending order doesn't prohibit phone contact, you can record telephone conversations without telling her you're doing it. The recording stuff is cheap at Radio Shack...

If she doesn't know she can be recorded, she might just let the truth slip out over the phone. If you're really lucky you'll catch her making admissions and other statements like, "So what, they believe me and they're never going to believe you no matter what I do!" As long as there is a legitimate purpose for the phone call, and it doesn't feel like a set up, there's a decent chance the truth will slip out enough to fortify your version of the facts. Maybe she'll even admit to smacking the kids and/or doing drugs, and/or lying in the restraining order application and/or custody hearings. (THAT would be HUGELY helpful for you.)

In a normal jurisdiction you could turn to the DA for help. Unfortunately, Lane County has eliminated most of the DAs as part of a decades long plan to get rid of all the public safety and law enforcement staffing. Last year there were only one or two DAs working the juvenile caseload there. Deschutes County, where we are now, has less than half the population and juvenile caseload, but more than twice the staffing of Lane County. (people in Deschutes County actually value law and order, and they don't want Eugene's crime problem, so they/we fund public safety.) Deschutes County is still swamped with work, but it's nothing like it is in Lane County. Lane County has a HUGE juvenile crime problem, especially with the recent increase in California gang activity. Lane County is already filing over 4,000 juvenile cases per year, so good luck getting anybody in the DA's office to call you back. Been there, done that -- and it's since gotten worse over there. What a joke. Sorry, but your were MUCH better off in Washington.

You married this on purpose? I have some good news for you with my situation 25 years ago. You think the courts are womanized now, you should have seen it in the 70s', maybe you were too young then.  I married my ex when I was in the service. She had already had a 3 yr. old girl and a 2 yr. boy. The boy become so attached to me, I was Daddy he never had. Both of her children had different fathers (sperm donors) To make a long story short, she got on to Calif. children services. I was servered orders to leave my house, continue making payments, power etc. We went back and forth for 5 years, move in, move out; not a song, the truth. It is hard to stay away since we were physicle parents to my youngest daughter. 3 children with 3 physical fathers. I met the perfect woman who accepted the fact that I was these childrens only father. My ex went to an att. she was seeing /sleeping with. I received court order to pay $750 a month child support for my natual daughter in 1983. 1 Child. I was in the middle of losing my house, car etc. Her ho mother taught her how to leave a screwing to a man before leaving. Write checks like everthing was being payed on time and after 2 months when she figured she had enough $scamed to leave comfortably, I came home from work to an empty house, unpaid bills with checks torn in half,, I was about to end my life when I met Debbie, my current wife. With her love and financial help, I crawled out of this hole of hell. Just as I was catching up on back payments my ex has my  youngest daughter call me collect and begged for me to come get her. My wife and I went down to where they were living in a drug alcohol enviroment.All of the kids begged to go home with us. I love all of the three the same. Then my 5 year old wanted to tell her mom goodby. She tried to wake her up but to no avail. My ex was so plastered I covered her bare breasts and told our youngest that mommie was just too tired to wake up. The oldest children knew her condition and could have cared less about passed out mom. The power had been turned off for non payment. The refridgerator had rotten food and hot beer in it. None of the children had been attending school. I was in a short bed 79 toyo pu. It was in the 100's this day,,,,,,,,,,quick, what was I suppose to do? I went and bought a sheet of 1/2 plywood, cut it in half and bought some c- clamps to hold in on the bed and told the children we were going to be in some hot weather and to stay under the ply laying on a blanket. All three of my children still remember my ex, but Debbie and  are the only parents they have ever had, My son, the middle child was 8 The oldest girl was 9+. All three of the kids graduated H.S. My boy did 5 years of college and is living comfortably on 70k a year salary. I just helped him finish his brand new home. I couldn't have done it alone. It will be 25 years with my wife on Jan. 6 of 08. My ex never appeared in court, was declared indigent. Since my wife and I had made arrears to past debts the judge awarded me custody of my natural child, the house, and reversed court orders so my ex would have to make said $750 a month that was never enforced. I was not rich, I worked in a saw mill that has finally closed down. Keep this letter and when you are feeling gloom take it out and read it. God Bless. My two daughters have good jobs and I have 4 grand kids. It causes fear in me to think what could of turned out instead.

o-k here goes.. yes the woman is most often believed because she makes the first call. because most often she is the victim. please, do not shoot the messenger.

yes, you have made some interesting choices (including the marriage) and you have made a couple of wrong turns. learn and move forward. stop placing blame and move forward. the past cannot be changed move on and regain custody.

rely on your lawyer and counsellor to give the facts in court. follow the suggestions, keep a low profile and get your children back. the longer you deny first and fight loudly the longer your children will be in foster care.

check out the st. vincent de paul housing. stuff yourselves into a small apt. if you must, BUT regain custody.

the bottom line is... you want your children and you must do whatever you must to regain custody.